And were an epitaph to be my story
I’d have a short one ready for my own.
I would have written of me on my stone:
I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)
Happy New Year Alumni Roundup Brothers and Sisters! After a brief hiatus for the holiday season, I’m back and starting 2009 off with softness and love (or at least I thought I was). Then it was back to work….then it was inauguration weekend and here I am, late as a skate. No matter….love is in season all times of year. But let’s get to the matter at hand. In this session of The Relationship Rundown, we are talking about the oxymoron of the Lovers Quarrel You are two love struck turtle doves; joined at the hip, can’t breathe without each other. But oh when the passion-fire erupts into flame, look out, it’s a Lovers Quarrel. But just what is a lovers quarrel? How can two who claim to so deeply love each other, be so at odds. How can lovers…..quarrel? And at times so vicsiously as to not even recognize one another. But oh…the make-up sex is good….but I digress.
It’s time that we say to ourselves…ENUF! I will not fight (dirty) with my lover. I may TALK dirty….but not FIGHT dirty. We can disagree, we can even fight, but we must keep it above the beltline, for if we don’t, do we really love our lover? So let’s start first by examining the reasons for a lovers quarrel?
This can be REAL or IMAGINED jealousy. But if you feel, too fat, too skinny, not attractive enough or too broke, the green monster can rear it’s ugly head even when there is no reason for it to. So let’s take a look at our relationship….already in progress.
HE: Oh HEY Sharon (quick hug)! How you been?
Sharon: I’m good…you looking real good! How you been?
HE: I’m OK…so what’s been going on
(Girlfriend that he forgot about on the side…seething. )
Oh…this is ummm (snapping fingers)….my friend (oops he meant to say, girlfriend!!!!) Shannon.
Shannon’s head snappin’….with the “What you mean, friend?” head snap….though she’s too classy to say it out loud.
He’ll get that later…but really why does Shannon have an issue? HE was just saying hello to Sharon. It’s OK…he’s leaving with you. He loves YOU and Sharon is old news. Let it go….turn that head snappin’ into DIVA status walkin’, so Sharon will know that she messed up.
Wanting to be Right
We all want to be right, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of our lover. This is a key component of most arguments and when all we wanna do is be RIGHT, we cease to hear what our lover is saying to us…and get into attack mode. If everybody wants to be right, then nobody is willing to back down and really hear what there lover is trying to tell them…and sometimes…it’s not EVEN what they are actually saying…if you stop and listen with a loving THIRD ear.
Mine/Yours/OURS or not. When folx have different spending/saving habits that can lead to big blow ups. And especially when people have different spending/saving priorities that can really bum a realtionship out.
EX: Honey…when are we gonna start putting this money we’ve been saving in the 529 for the kids? 529??? We got time. I want to get matching motorcycles with our savings. (Ding! Ding! Fights about to start)
Now I can go on and on about this, but really one should go into relationships with EYE WIDE OPEN!!! I mean talking about expectations and understanding that people are not perfect BEFORE getting into the relationship is key, but what do you do when you’ve done all that and still folx do an about face? How do you move past it? I’m open to hearing this….so hit me up in the comments section and let me know.
So my friends and lovers, it’s 2009, let’s tell ourselves that we will not quarrel in a way that is demeaning or viscious to our lover and we will always be open to the make-up sex that follows. Remember, don’t quarrel with your lover, but DO fight for your relationship!